OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she pinky promised me she was 18
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
