i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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