someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
