Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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