Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
