I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
