i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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