Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Operation Purity has been aborted
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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