I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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