Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
