You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
