True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
