On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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