Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
