Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
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