WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
