last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Randomize