you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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