Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
