I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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