I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Randomize
