Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
