hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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