2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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