He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
