i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
a search helicopter?!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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