Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just gift wrapped bread.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
