Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
