I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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