I'd wear matching sweaters with you
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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