life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
