overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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