How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
