I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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