Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
