The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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