it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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