yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
