we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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