dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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