just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
