You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
