im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
