I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
