so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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