I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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