I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
