I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
