I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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