when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
