babies were throwing up all over the place
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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